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Found: The Secret Conservative Personal Ads You Were Never Supposed To See!

    I ran across this highly secretive Conservative Personals service on the internet the other day.   (For the real story behind the personal ads, click the pics.)

The Personals Service for lonely conservatives.  Our motto: “A woman should be religiously right in public, and a naughty liberal in the bedroom.”

 
Conservative Married White Male (CMWM) Seeking Female Friends With Benefits 
 Me: US Congressman, hypocrite, against gays in the military and a woman’s right to choose.
 You: Submissive, discreet, not very knowledgeable about politics, and giving ($2,000 maximum at present, though I’m trying to get that changed).

I like walks at night, telling others how to live their lives and mountain biking.  I’m active in my church and put God first in my life, so Sunday nooners are out, but any other day is okay.

Call me. If a woman answers, hang up and try again later.

 

  

 I’m recently divorced and am not looking for a long-term relationship – by the hour is preferred. Amateurs need not apply. Rate is negotiable, but as a wealthy conservative, I tend to be a bit tight (hope you are too. Ha ha!) .

We can meet at room #5 at Doug’s Motel. Please be sure you are not followed, as I have an active dislike for private detectives.

On a side note, I am entertaining offers for the exclusive rights to a sex tape with a man, who no one can prove conclusively is me, and a hooker.

Closet Case Conservative Seeking Dirty Dirty Hookups With Random Men

 As a former Senator, I’m on the road a lot for speaking engagements at family values conferences. Therefore, I don’t have a lot of time for romance, but a man has needs.

If you are “large” and in charge, let’s meet in the third stall of the men’s room in the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport. You’ll know it’s me by my wide stance.

Please do not tell me your name – or even speak – let‘s just get to business. And I AM NOT GAY!

  

Flip Flopping Conservative Political Consultant Seeks Intimate Friendship

  I’m looking for a sole mate, and it’s all about the toes ladies.  Big toes, little toes, black toes, white toes – I’ll suck ‘em all.  My lady must enjoy playing footsie, going barefoot and receiving long languorous, albeit moist, pedicures.

 I’ve paid big money for major toe action in the past, and don’t mind paying again.  I can afford it, you see, as I will work for literally anyone who is willing to foot my bill. As your man, I can be well-heeled and I will keep instep with your every desire.   Give me a chance; just let me get my foot in the door.

Give me a foot, ladies, and I’ll take you a mile!

  

Ultra-Conservative Politico Seeks Loving, Intimate Relationship (Species is NO object)

 I don’t love with my eyes, rather with my heart.  That’s why I’m willing to give anyone a chance – woman, mule, watermelon, it just don’t matter.  (But queers is out of the question.  God hates the gays.)  In fact, as I am vehemently opposed to abortion, I actually prefer intimate relations with species for which there is absolutely no chance of pregnancy.

People ask me, “How can you have a serious relationship with a mule?”  To which I respond, “You didn’t grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?”  The heart wants what the heart wants. What can I say? Hopefully you will say “Yes!”

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